TMX’s Blog

An Earthquake measuring 2.7 on the Richter scale hit Kingston upon Hull this Wednesday morning. The epicentre was Bransholme. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying “o me belongeens ar brock” “worapend” and “ar conner bayleeve eet”.

The earthquake decimated the area causing in excess of £17.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza, Corfu, Rhyll and Blackpool were damaged beyond repair. Preserved areas of historic importance were destroyed and cars burned out. Many locals were woken before their Giro’s arrived. One resident, Kylie Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four said “It was such a f**ckin shock, little Chardonnay-Destiny came running into my bedroom crying; my hands were shaking that much I could hardly skin-up.”

The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous “Elizabeth Duke” sovereign rings, benefit books and Poundstretcher ornaments.

How can you help?

This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are Lacoste tracksuits, white socks, Burberry caps, Beanie hats and Rockports. Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain oven chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch and Iceland pizza. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White Lightening Cider and Special Brew. Cash donations are also needed. 22p buys a signing-on’ biro, £2.50 buys a Jumbo sausage dinner, £20.00 buys a fake MOT and £16.00 buys 200 Regal from the back of Tomo’s lorry.